Good Sized Oof--Week 23

April 26, 2023

April 10, 2023

Hola Todos!
Okay well, I'll start by saying this was one of the worst weeks of my mission that has also had some of the best moments of my mission.
Calling upon the powers of Hell to wage against us in my last email was definitely not a good idea because they came knocking this week. The crazy thing was it came in the way I was not expecting. I was expecting a triumphant rebuttal to an angry catholic street preacher or loving acceptance of some sad hobo. Satan doesnt work in the ways you expect... and I spent several long days fighting a war of negative thoughts in my own head.
It's hard to fully explain how I was feeling or why I was thinking certain thoughts. I was just down. I couldn't focus on my purpose or figure out why I had decided to serve a mission.
"We're here to share the gospel with everyone... but why are we here if no one can be bothered to listen?" That was more or less my pattern of thinking.
Tuesday, we contacted over 50 people. We had 3 people answer us. We didn't teach anyone that day. That same cycle repeated for the next two days.
On Thursday, I had an interesting experience. From the moment I had woken up I was not in a positive mood. I didn't have any hope we were going to do anything. I didn't want to try either. Same old, same old. We started out the day and got to work. Throughout the day I was negative. Making comments about certain rules I felt were holding us back and making all kinds of "if only" statements. "If only so and so would do this,' If only we had this, if only that..." over and over again. I didn't want to see the good in anything. I also didn't feel there was any good in anything.
Elder Smith has been struggling with that more than I have this transfer but he's been trying to get better at seeing the pósitive. While walking home from a failed cita, I made some stupid comment under my breath about the fate of our area. Elder Smith paused for a second and said, "Dude, only one of us can be negative at a time. It's really hard for me to try to be positive and If your negative too! When you're negative too, I get sick of being negative!"
I stopped complaining after that. He was right. Entertaining negative thoughts only makes us more negative. When we have negative thoughts, we have a choice. We can listen to the thoughts that are trying to slow us down and degrade us... or... we can find the positive and constructive things that build up us and those around us.
(important note: depression and anxiety influence our minds in ways that make it very hard to choose)
Until that moment I hadn't even realized that 1. My usually positive attitude helps Elder Smith more than I thought it did; we are examples to others. Point 2. Satan gets us in the ways we dont even realize. Sometimes he attacks us from the outside, we know what to expect and it's easier to deal with. But sometimes he tears us down from the inside where we're too blind to see that it's him ripping us apart.
I apologized to Elder Smith and I vowed to be better in my attitude, no matter the circumstances. We went on to have a really good Easter weekend. We had 9 people come to church, I got to talk with my whole family for the first time in weeks, I gave my first sacrament talk in Paraguay, we met some of our areas goals, I made german pancakes for Easter, I got to clean our entire apartment, just to name some things.
By the time I went to bed on Sunday I was feeling good. I had enjoyed the day so much. I think it's one of the best in the mission so far. I felt the love of the Savior. An Easter miracle.
The process continues as the mission rolls on. I've learned to be more positive this week and not to taunt the Devil. I hope you're all having a wonderful day and have a wonderful week!
May the force be with you all,
A very blessed missionary,
-Elder James Tanner